Phone?

I needed to get Happy a phone as she had her previous one stolen while she was volunteering for a local arts festival. Sigh. So I figured the best choice would be a sousaphone. The main problem is that they are not 3G compatible. So I wrote a virus and turned it loose to infect all the phones in the area (Android and iPhone) that turns on all their microphones to scan for morse code played on a sousaphone (but only those in the Ottawa area, using an FFT algorithm and other recognition software for the particular harmonics it generates) and then relays the intercepted code to my phone via text message. So whatever phone is near will provide a relay point for communication (and there is always some cell phone near where she's going to be, so the messages will always be relayed as long as she's in the city somewhere). Now, she can text me wherever she is in Ottawa if she needs any help or just wants to keep in touch.